I am her REAL Mama!

Originally I planned on taking a day off from blogging, my house could really use it that's for sure.  Then this morning I toyed with the idea of maybe writing a "X Number of Reason's to Avoid HFCS like the poison that It is" post to go  in my Healthy Living, Healthy Eating series (and I promise to write that soon).

That got put on hold after reading something that was posted on the wall of the Instinctual Mamas Facebook page.  It was something I first read yesterday and it really upset and offended me.  I made the mistake of looking at it again today and just could not hold back.  I left a brief comment on the wall addressing it but there was so much more I wanted to say.  I share IM with 3 other mamas though and didn't want to risk bringing drama to the page.  I decided to post here instead that way if drama followed it was only directed at me and not to all the other mamas on IM.

So, I am sure you are wondering, what did I let get me all hot and bothered?  What has my panties in a twist?  It was an article posted about adoptions.  As most of you know, Karma is adopted (and if you didn't know, now you do).  I have been meaning to write out her adoption story and contemplated for a brief second using this blog post as a means to do that.  I decided not to because her adoption story is a beautiful story filled with love and I did not want to taint it with negativity.  I promise I will write it all out soon, for the purpose of this post I will just share a few important details.

What's so wrong with an article about adoption?  It was the manor and tone in which the article was written that upset me so much.  You can read the full post here.  Go ahead, click on the link, read it.  I will wait for you to come back................










are you still reading it??












is it making you angry yet??







Karma's Adoption Day, one of the happiest days ever!
Sariah was cooking in my belly so even she was "there".




Perhaps I was offended by this because I am a mother who has adopted.  The title should have tipped me off to the fact that this was something I should ignore and not read..... Adoption Advertising- Destroying Real Families.  Hmmm, there's that pesky word.... REAL.  What makes a REAL family, is it all about DNA or is it L-O-V-E?  If you read the article then you know that obviously some people feel  it's all about DNA and nothing else.

Does the fact that Karma's birth mother (oh yeah, I went there, I call her the birth mother!) is also Ted's sister make her adoption not "as bad" of a crime as in we did not "make an orphan" out of her because she at least shares DNA with Ted and our other 3 children?

What does that make me though, she shares no DNA with me.  Am I just some outsider, some "sadistic woman" who "stole" a baby to fulfill my own needs?

We are not the "typical" adoptive family in that we can have our own biological children (obviously we have NO problems with this as we have "so many"! We are giving the Duggars a run for there money is what I often joke with others.).  We are the same as every other adoptive family out there in the fact that we heard the need of a tiny helpless baby girl and we stepped up.  We took her in and we love her just as much as the other 3 children.  If anything I tend to favor her and let her get away with more because I am paranoid that she will grow up with a "I am adopted my parents love me less than their biological kids" syndrome.  Articles like the one above do not help this paranoia.

Perhaps, in the eyes of the author of this article and those who share her view points I am not as bad as other "adoptive moms" because Karma's birth mother abused drugs during her pregnancy and therefore Karma was removed from her and put into foster care at birth.  Maybe those of us adoptive parents who adopt through foster care are not as bad as those who do private adoptions.  Do I agree with this, NO!  I think all adoptions are beautiful.  I am just speculating on what may be deemed as an "acceptable" form of adoption to people who share this viewpoint.  Perhaps there is no acceptable form of adoption to them, perhaps in their eyes its better for kids to languish away in state care so that the rights of their "real families" are protected.  Again pure speculation.

The contents of the aritcle itself is not what upset me so much as the tables containing the "Honest Language" and comparing it with "Biased Positive Adoption Language" or the "Language Promoting Artificial Families".  That last statement should give you a taste of these tables but in case you didn't read the whole article I will give you a few examples that they list.  Remember, these are the views of the author and not me, I am simply listing what they wrote.  I am listing the ones that upset me the most, they all upset me though:

Honest, Unbiased Language- mother, natural mother, actual mother
Language Promoting Artificial Families-"birthmother" (incubator) , "bmom", "BM", "unwed" or "unmarried" mother

Honest, Unbiased Language- person looking for a baby to adopt/buy
Language Promoting Artificial Families- loving couple, parents, adoptive parents, real parents

Honest, Unbiased Language- is adopted (is legally related to adopters as in "is married")
Language Promoting Artificial Families- was adopted, joined the family through adoption (pretending the relatedness is natural, not legal. The naturally-related family members are dehumanized as "birth objects".)

Honest, Unbiased Language- person who has adopted, adopter
Language Promoting Artificial Families- mother, father, parent or "real mother", "real father", "real parents"

Honest, Unbiased Language- adoptive situation, adoptive family
Language Promoting Artificial Families- family, "real family"

I think anyone who has adopted, as well as adult children who were adopted, would be offended by these terms.  Or at least I hope I am not alone in this.  Calling a family Artificial because there is adoption involved is down right abusive and a form of bullying in my opinion.  There is NOTHING artificial about my family!

Karma is my REAL child, I am her REAL Mama!  End of story! 

I am her MOTHER!  I breastfeed her back to health (she was sick, withdrawing, diagnosed "failure to thrive" on a prescription formal and potentially set to have a feeding pump if she did not start to improve-you can read my full breastfeeding journey with her on my guest post on NPN here).  I am the one who woke up with her and stayed up with her for hours at night when she was a tiny baby.  I am the one who continued to have to get up with her every 2 hours until she was well over 1 because her brain thought she still needed to eat like a tiny baby due to the effects of the drugs.  I am the one who comforts her when she is hurt, I am the one who takes care of her when she is sick.  I am the one who teaches her, sings to her, plays with her, explores the wonders and mysteries of the world with her.  I am the one who shares the love of Jesus and Heavenly Father with her. I am the one who looks into her beautiful brown eyes and wonders if I am doing enough, am I doing it right, who will she be when she grows up, will she understand.  I love her, she is MY BABY!  I am her MAMA!

DNA means nothing to me.  It is just a complex scientific means to identify us, it does not define a family.  Humans share more than 99% of identical DNA, its less than 1% that makes us individuals.  So if your argument is that DNA is what matters one could argue we are all related, we are all 1 big family.  Science does not make a family, LOVE makes a family!

I AM HER REAL MAMA!  Ted is her REAL Daddy (her birth father is unknown).  Teddy is her REAL brother.  Kimmy and Saraih are her REAL sisters!  Any other kids we may have in the future, whether by giving birth or through adoption (as we have not ruled out more adoption in the future) will be her REAL siblings too.  It's just as simple as that!

WE ARE HER FAMILY.  There is nothing artificial about us!


Love,
Karma's REAL mama,
Christy

Oh, But She's Adopted.....

My beautiful baby girl Karma

I find myself saying that a lot lately and I am not really sure why but I know its a habit I have to break, and soon.

Karma the day she came to us. 
The second they placed her in my arms
she was mine!

I developed it as a way to try and explain WHY I have so many kids as there seems to be some new unwritten rule in our society that says anything more than 2 or 3 kids is strange and out of the ordinary.  I get stares everywhere I go and hear whispered (and sometimes Very loud and blatant) comments ranging from the innocent and benign "oh wow, look at all those kids" and "that poor mama, she's a busy lady" to the occasional "why would anyone want that many kids?" "surely you are done having kids now" "you don't want any more right?" and my all time favorite one I have ever gotten, said with all the rudeness and disgust he could muster "I sure hope those are not all yours!"

I don't know who wrote this rule or when it was put into place but now it seems that if you have more than 2 or 3 you are some sort of freak of nature.  People are free to stare at you and say anything and everything they want and you are expected to just take it because you "choose" to be said freak.  You are a "breeding machine" that many think "need to be stopped".  Maybe it stems from all of the reality shows like "Kate Plus 8" (formerly "Jon & Kate Plus 8") and "19 Kids and Counting". 

Don't get me wrong, I also get the nice well meaning strangers too.  The ones who say things like "I know how you feel, I had-insert some large number here-kids myself, they are all grown and gone now".  These are all usually sweet older ladies, although I have heard it from a few men.  These are few and far between the ones listed above however.  Some of the people may not be meaning to come off as sounding harsh or judgemental.  I guess it is quite a sight to see me grocery shopping, pushing one of those huge carts around with the older 3 kids in it and the baby in her Baby Bjorn or Hotsling attached to me.  Maybe these people just do not understand how often I hear these comments and therefore, to me, they sound way harsher than intended.  I will never understand why strangers think its randomly ok to just vomit from the mouth whatever pops into their head.

Oh, and if 1 (or more) of my kids is having a break down or temper tantrum in the store, or where ever we may be, LOOK OUT!  The comments get real nasty and real ugly REAL FAST!  The "she needs to take them home"  and "doesn't she realize they need a nap?" and I even once heard "I can't believe she brings them all out in public like that"  REALLY?  SERIOUSLY?  Should I leave them at home by themselves instead, would that make your day easier because I am all about making YOUR DAY easier!  I have seen on shows such as "SupperNanny" that when your child is throwing a fit in the store you should leave and yeah, that sounds GREAT in theory, if you only have 1 or 2 kids with you.  When you have 4 kids, age 4 and under in the store you are on a mission.  You are focused on completing the task as quickly as possible and just getting out of there.  Rude and inconsiderate people only make this experience worse.  Its no picnic for me to listen to them screaming, at least you can walk away.  I have to go home with these little monsters.

So, ever since Sariah was born, it may have even started the last month or 2 of the pregnancy, I have developed a very bad habit.  Something that I just randomly spit out and feel the need to tell any and every stranger I meet.  I point to Karma and say "Oh, but she's adopted!".  This somehow seems to make me feel better in the moment and has many times made the rudest of people stop and gasp and even say "oh, sorry, that is wonderful of you guys......" and go into some random thoughts about how great they think I am for adopting her.

Its not the praise I am looking for, I am just trying to give them some explanation as to WHY we have 4 kids as if its illegal to do so.  As if saying "she's adopted" somehow magically makes it all ok and sadly, it does exactly like.  Suddenly I am this weird "supermom" in their eyes, almost like a martyr mom sacrificing myself for this poor adopted baby girl.  It has become a very bad habit and I find myself saying it multiple times to almost every stranger I can while we are out in public.  It has gotten so bad that several times, while on the phone paying bills or whatever they will hear 1 (or more) kids in the background and as "oh, how many do you have?".  Without even thinking about it I just reply "4, but-1-is-adopted".  I have even started typing this online anytime I am in some sort of mommy support group, chat, FB Page, you name it.  I will type "I am a mom of 4 ages 4 and under, but on is adopted".  I am pretty sure I even put that on this blog somewhere in the intro! 

This is not something I need to share with every person in the world.  I have even joked with my hubby that I should have a special "going out in public/shopping" shirt made  up with the phrase "Yes I have 4, but one is adopted!" om it so I don't have to explain it 10 plus times on every outing we go on.  I said this to him as a joke but I have realized I really do this.  I seriously explain to everyone all day long that I have 4, but one is adopted.

We by no means ever have or ever would plan to tell Karma we are her birth parents, she will always know she is adopted.  At the same time, she is getting older now, almost 18 months, and she is more and more aware of things every day.  I don't want her growing up and hearing me say over and over again "oh, but she's adopted".  I don't want her to feel like she is somehow less than our biological children and I know that growing up with this being thrown in her face on an almost daily basis will make her feel just that way.  She will think that she is somehow less than our other kids and that mommy must love her less, why else would she run around telling anyone and everyone she can that I am adopted.

This is a habit I developed as a means of defense, something to use to help shield the rudeness of others but its something I must stop.  Its making me feel guilty so I can only imagine what it will make her feel once she is old enough to understand what I am saying.

The truly sad thing is I should have never had to start this.  People should think about things before they just blurt them out.  Our society has become so rude and so callous to one another.  We live in a "me me me" world where people give no thought to others and care only for themselves.  How dare I actually take my kids out in public and disrupt the peace of others lives.  That's how many feel I know because they make it known to me in words, dirty looks, shrugs, huffs, puffs, you name it.

So the next time you are out in public and see a mom with X amount of kids (whatever you may consider as "a lot" or "too many") and you get the urge to blurt out something about it, even if you think its funny and know in your head you are only joking DON'T!  You don't know what the circumstances of that family are.  Maybe they are foster parents, some are adopted, maybe they are not even all that 1 mothers kids.  She might run a daycare or be caring for a sick friend/relatives children.  She should not be made to feel like she has to explain herself to every Tom Dick and Harry who walks by and feels the need to question "why so many?".  You may not think the things you are saying are rude at all, you may think they are funny or you may even be genuinely impressed with this mom and her skills to handle so many kids.  Speaking from a mom who has walked in her shoes, she can no longer distinguish those comments though.  She has been judged and criticized one too many times by people who DID mean to be rude and ugly to her about her personal choices so now all comments just blurr together and get lumped in the rude/harsh category.  So even the most genuine and well meaning of "supportive" comments are just another stone thrown at her, another ding in the armor she has had to build up to societies judgements and then she turns into the looney lady who walks around telling everyone "OH, BUT SHE'S ADOPTED"  See I am normal just like you, its ok, she's adopted, we are not crazy!!

We do not live in China people, we are free to choose to have as many or as few children as we like.
So, if you hear me saying this or see me typing this please feel free to call me out on it.

And to answer the other question I hear at least a dozen times a day.....

NO! We surely ARE NOT done having kids.  Will we have more, that has yet to be decided but it is a door we have left open.  We love all of them equally and that's all that matters to me.

Love,
Christy PROUD PROUD mommy to 4 beautiful, wonderful, special, irreplaceable children!