Guest Post: Parenting in America - The Parental Civil War

Today's Parenting in America guest post comes from Leah who is new to blogging, check out her blog Zen and the Art of Cloth Diaper Maintenance.  Be sure to follow her blog while you are there as I am sure she has more great posts to come

Also be sure to check out these great posts in today's carnival:

I Thought I Knew Mama's  Wordless Wednesday: Parenting in America

Hybrid Rasta Mama's post Parenting Approaches

Leave a comment and show them some ♥

Parenting in America - The Parental Civil War

When I became a mom, I instinctually sought out other moms.  I wanted advice, encouragement, and apathy.  I wanted to know I wasn’t alone.  As a stay-at-home-mom, I was definitely craving some adult conversation.  Since I am shy and kind of a homebody, I decided to jump on the internet and see what the world wide web had to offer.  This is when I first came across CafeMom. 

CafeWar!

At first, it seemed like a great find.  Moms supporting other moms in every single category your mind could imagine.  There really was something for everyone.  But then came my first experience with mom bullying.  It was horrible! When a mom would excitedly talk about how much she loved breastfeeding, the formula moms would jump on her for thinking she was superior to them.  When a mom talked about the fact that she liked formula feeding her baby, the breastfeeding moms would attack her for not doing what is best for her child.  Vaxers and anti-vaxers, circumcising moms and intactivists, the enemy lists go on and on.  After about a month on the site, I realized this was less a place for support and more a battleground for the ongoing parental civil war.  And CafeMom is certainly not the only parent chat site that has been sieged. 

Now that I am attuned to the sounds of the parental civil war going on today in America, I hear the battle cries everywhere I go: the moms at the park afraid to breastfeed in public because they will be shelled with hurtful comments; the dads at the grocery store afraid to baby wear because their manhood could be amputated; the parents at daycare who are shunned as traitors for not vaccinating their children; the vaccinating parents shunned by the antivaxers for poisoning their children; the laboring woman who surrenders to her doctor and submits to an unnecessary cesarean section who is crucified by natural birth supporters.  No one is immune, neither side is showing signs of retreat, and everyone is suffering from heavy casualties.

As I have been watching the battles rage on for five years now, I often find myself torn, not sure on which side I should be fighting.  I certainly have strong convictions about all of these topics, but most of the time I just try to wave my little white prefold, signaling I don’t really want to fight at all.  I find myself defending everyone.  After all, this is America.  We all have a right to our opinions; we all have our individual freedoms to parent the best way we see fit, right?

On the other hand, what about the common good? If one way really is better than the other, shouldn’t we be trying our hardest to make sure most of America is practicing it? As parents, doesn’t the fact that we are responsible for the children of America mean that we are also responsible for the fate of the country?

I certainly don’t have all the answers.  Just as I could never tell you which of my children I love more, I cannot tell you which freedom is more important - the freedom of individual rights or the freedom to make a positive difference in your country no matter your race, creed, gender, or economic status.  But the more I look at the issue, the more I see I may not have to choose at all. 

A Gentler Approach

When I was a child, I was bullied into going on my first roller coaster by my family (Dad, aunts and uncles).  As we stood in line for an hour, I was terrified. I knew I wasn’t ready to go on this ride.  But my family dismissed my fears as childish (um duh, I was a child!) and said once I got on, I would be fine.  Well, I wasn’t fine.  I was frozen in fear through the entire ordeal and the minute the ride was over I broke into tears and was inconsolable for the next hour.  The experience traumatized me.  For years I refused to go on any kind of ride or water slide and I refused to listen to anyone’s opinion on the matter.

A few years later, my mom took me to the local street fair.  I rode the merry-go-round, jumped in the moon bounce, and ate cotton candy.  It was comforting because I knew what to expect.  It was fun because it was all things I had done before, things I knew would be fun.  Mom looked bored though.  I watched her eyes as she peered longingly up at the Rainbow.  That’s the ride where a big flat group of seats starts slowly swinging back and forth until at last it starts going all the way around in big circles.  It is by no means an extreme ride.

“Would you like to try the Rainbow, Leah?” Mom asked excitedly.

“No way!” I cried, the fear of my last roller coaster experience already bubbling up in my sensitive gut.

Mom took a much different approach at convincing me to try out this new, terrifying ride.  We sat down on a bench and watched others go on the Rainbow.  We watched it make its passes back and forth and listened to the riders scream as it finally made its inevitable loop all the way around.  As we watched, Mom told me about her first experience with the Rainbow - how she had been frightened too.  But once she gathered the courage to go on, she experienced wonderful things: the butterflies in her stomach waiting for the ride to begin, the anticipation in her fingertips that gripped the safety bar as the ride floated up into the sky, and the feel of the wind lifting her hair away from her shoulders as she descended towards the ground.

After about 15 minutes, the ride looked different to my inexperienced eyes.  It was no longer new and unpredictable.  I could see exactly what was going to happen, I could count how many times it would swing back and forth before it finally plunged over, and I could hear the sheer delight in the shrieking voices that once had only sounded like petrified screams.  I could also see that nobody was walking off in tears.

I fixed my face with the bravest look I could muster and stood up. 

“Ok, let’s do it.”

And the rest is history, of course.  I went on the Rainbow at least 10 times that night.  The next night I went back to the fair and rode it another 20.  I’ve been on at least two dozen other new and thrilling roller coasters since that day.  And I will admit freely, that I am still terrified every time I’m standing in line.  But instead of trying to avoid the fear like I did as a child, I find that the fear is as thrilling and as useful as the new experience that follows it.  And every once in a while, I find the experience less than thrilling.  Some roller coasters really are no good - they hurt your neck, upset your stomach, or lead you down a path you realize you never wanted to go down.  But one bad ride doesn’t stop me from testing out others.  Every journey has a lesson to deliver.

You Do What?

The first time I heard of ideas like breastfeeding to four years old, elimination communication, and extended rear-facing car seats, I had the same terrified feeling I did the first time I looked at the Rainbow.  For one, these were brand new experiences I had never heard of, and the unknown can always be a little scary.  But even more, I was scared of what it meant if I considered these new ideas.  If I pondered these new and different paths, did that mean the mothering I had been doing up to now had been wrong? And if I actually decided to incorporate these ideas into my parenting style, did it mean I was somehow a better mother than I was before? If I changed the way I thought about parenting, would it change the way I loved my children?

Insert the best quote ever: “You did then what you knew how to do.  Now that you know better, you’ll do better.” - Maya Angelou

The very tools used in the “gentle parenting” method are the same ones we need to use on each other and ourselves.  If we don’t expect our children to always know the right thing to do, why do we expect it of ourselves? If we say its ok for our kids to make mistakes, why do we expect our fellow moms to be perfect? If we have to show patience to our children to teach our children patience, why are we so impatient with each other? Why can we be so tolerant of our children’s shortcomings and so demanding of ourselves? If we would never say it to our kids, we shouldn’t say it to each other or ourselves.  How much I love my children is not congruous to how much knowledge I have of different parenting techniques. 

So what’s the moral of my incredibly long blog? Parenting in America does not have to be some kind of civil war.  We don’t have to kill the other side in order to prove our side the victor.  And we don’t have to run away in fear.  Instead, we can all take a long hard look at each new and sometimes scary path presented to us and listen with anticipation to the exciting tales other parents have to tell us about those paths.  We can relate our own tales of our own paths to other parents with just as much excitement and compassion.  We can sit on benches and take our time pondering which new and exciting roller coaster we want to ride today.  Sometimes the journey other parents love will just not have the right fit.  Other times, we will find ourselves gleefully over the rainbow.

BIO:

Leah is a wife, mother, and hippie.  She works as a stay-at-home mom to two daughters and has recently begun writing for Yahoo!.  She started her blog, Zen and the Art of Cloth Diaper Maintenance, to write about family, natural parenting, and trying to live a more holistic, chemical-free, and organic life.

PiA Guest Blog: Everybody’s Free to E.C. in the U.S.A. from TouchstoneZ

Today's Parenting in America guest blog comes from Zoie of TouchstoneZ.  She writes about the freedom we all have in America to diaper (or not diaper in this case) our babies as we see fit.  I love how she also ties in the fact that America, usually ahead of others in so many areas, is behind the majority of the world when it comes to EC.  Mostly I just enjoy this post because I am fascinated with the idea of EC (but admittedly far too lazy to do it with my 3 girls).

Everybody’s Free to E.C. in the U.S.A.

“He’s not wearing a diaper?” said another mother in the store bathroom as I helped my 7 month old son go potty. “No. We practice E.C.” I replied. “What is E.C.?” she asked…

Babies are born knowing when they need to eliminate. It is a strange concept to most parents in the United States nowadays. But over 85% of the rest of the world practices Elimination Communication. It has been practiced since ancient times and only really left our collective consciousness in the U.S. within the last few generations.

It wasn’t until the second half of the 20^th century that disposable diapers were invented and mass marketed successfully to US parents. It took one generation for disposable diapers to become affordable and another for advertising and industry-funded studies to convince parents that full-time diapering for through preschool years was more convenient.

It has only been in this generation of children that there has been a renewed interest in EC in the US. Aided by the vast amount of information available on the internet, the rise in popularity of both attachment parenting and environmental concerns, more parents are looking at cloth diapering and ECing as a viable option for their families.

Most of us in the US have the freedom to parent as we determine is best for our families. We can learn about the environmental impact that EC, cloth and disposable diapering has on our environment and choose the method that speaks to us for our families.

So, what exactly is EC aka elimination communication aka diaper-free baby aka natural infant hygiene?

Put simply, EC is a way for parents and babies to connect. EC is a way for parents to observe and help their babies’ with his/her needs. Over time, parents begin to understand the ways that their child communicates their need to eliminate and can even begin to anticipate when they’ll need to go before they communicate it.

There are many ways to EC and each family decides what works best for them. Some families don’t use diapers at all. Some use diapers only when they’re out of the house. Others do E.C. part time, using a combination of cloth or disposable diapers and pottying. I have several resources I referred to for this post that include lots more information one getting started with and practicing E.C. at every age.

What are some of the benefits of EC?

·         EC is another tool for families to connect. Both the parent and child benefit by close bond and understand one another’s rhythms and communications.

·         It helps a child maintain their awareness and connection to their bodies. It helps them understand that their body is their own to protect and care for. It allows them to trust that those who care for them will honor their needs.

·         EC helps protect the environment because it minimizes the use of diapers, laundry, and cleaners associated with diaper care and disposal.

·         It can help reduce diaper rash, urinary tract infections, and constipation.

·         It is less expensive than diapering.

·         It empowers children to take of their needs themselves. Even before babies can get themselves to the potty, they can communicate their need to eliminate. After they can get to the potty themselves, it is one more way they can hold onto their own power.

·         It supports attachment parenting and breastfeeding because it encourages parent and baby closeness and learning of one another’s rhythms

·         It keeps harmful chemicals present in disposable diapers away baby.

·         It comes from the perspective of “allowing to let go” instead of “holding it in.”

·         You never have to worry about running out of disposable or clean cloth diapers.

So, back that conversation in the store bathroom with the other mom…

I explained a bit of what EC is and some of its benefits. The other mom said that she noticed her baby always fussed before she eliminated in her diaper. She also said that inevitably, her daughter would pee or poo the moment the diaper was removed or immediately after a fresh diaper was put on her. I suggested perhaps her daughter was eliminating a little bit then finishing after the soiled diaper was removed. I wrote down some websites, along with my email, and gave her a few suggestions to give it a try. I suggested she try catching a pee or poo after a feeding or after waking. Those are probable times for babies to need to relieve themselves.

I received an email from her three weeks later, part of which said (paraphrased) I didn’t know believe you about EC, but my daughter started fussing after a diaper change. So, I took her diaper off and held her over it. She peed right away. What they won’t think of next in America.

Resources I used for this post:

Books:

Infant Potty Training: A Gentle and Primeval Method Adapted to Modern Living by Laurie Boucke

The Diaper-Free Baby: The Natural Toilet Training Alternative by Christine Gross-Loh

Websites:

DiaperFreeBaby.org

Tribal Baby: Trust Your Baby Trust Yourself

MotherJones: Brief History of the Disposable Diaper

If you enjoyed this post make sure to check out TouchstoneZ's blog and to give her a like on Facebook.

If you are interested in participating in this Carnival check out my intro blog First Ever Blog Carnival: Parenting In America 7/3-7/10  for details on how to participate.  The carnival runs through Sunday, July 10th so it is definitely not too late.  Make sure you go back and check out the other 2 posts from the carnival so far:
Guest Post: American Woman by Little Hearts Books
Guest Blog: Parenting in America from Hybrid Rasta Mama

If you post on your own blog today make sure to come and leave a link to it as a comment on this blog (as I have yet to figure out how to add linky's) and I will make sure to share the link in tomorrows post as well as to share it on FB.

Guest Post: American Woman by Little Hearts Books

Today's guest post for our Parenting in America blog carnival comes from Little Hearts Books (Gentle Parenting Resources).  She compares the many parenting freedoms we enjoy (and often take for granted) in America to other countries were such practices are frowned upon or outright banned. 

If you write a post on your own blog and publish it today please leave a link in the comments on this post (as I am uncool and have yet to figure out the linkys thing) so I can compile a list to share with everyone and post them on Instinctual Mamas to share with everyone.

American Woman

Lexi

I am a breastfeeding American woman. As a mother of six who has nursed all of my children, some well into the toddler years, I can assure you that my breasts have been exposed publicly more than once! Now, I am not a militant public breastfeeder and always strive to be discreet in my nursing out of simple courtesy, but the flailing arms of a newborn and playful ‘peek-a-boo’ removal of a nursing cover by a toddler have occasionally caught me off guard. While I don’t consider nursing publicly a constitutionally guaranteed right, I do believe that our government is set up to protect a mama’s right to feed her baby and to allow for public demonstrations such as ‘nurse-ins’ to promote breastfeeding awareness. Conversely, in October of 2009 Islamic militants in Mogadishu attacked and beat Muslim women for not wearing socks and others for wearing bras. The militants claimed that bras are deceptive to men and therefore dishonor them. Time and time again stories surface of Islamic women flogged for exposing a wrist or ankle, beaten by husbands or fathers for public indecency such as speaking with a non-relative male, and stoned or stabbed to death in ‘honor killings’ for dishonoring their families by being raped.

We are a co-sleeping American family. Our newest little family members go from womb to room, from being held in warm comfort inside of me to being snuggled up beside me. We follow safe co-sleeping guidelines, of course, but feel our tiny new additions are far safer sleeping in our family bed than in isolation. Most naps are taken right in my arms or a baby wrap after being nursed peacefully to sleep. Is it inconvenient? Yes, sometimes. But we didn’t have children for our convenience, and this time is so fleeting I miss it already as my sixth baby slumbers contentedly on my chest while I write these words. Conversely, in Spain young mama Habiba only recently had her baby, Alma, returned to her after Spanish authorities removed the 15 month old for concerns over ‘chaotic’ breastfeeding and co-sleeping patterns. The Spanish authorities first tried to coerce Habiba into weaning Alma and using a crib, but were angered when Habiba continued to “use breastfeeding as comfort” and “sleep with Alma in her bed while using the cot [crib] to deposit items such as toys and clothes.” While I’m thankful that little Alma is safely back in her mama’s arms, my mama’s heart can’t stop hurting for all the other Habibas and Almas whose lives are being ripped apart by intrusive and restrictive governments worldwide.

We are a homeschooling American family. For about 14 years now, my husband and I have made the decision to educate our children at home. I have full autonomy to choose their curriculum, to make (and break!) our own schedule, and to center our school on our Christian faith and conservative values. We can spend an entire school year solely exploring space and the next immersed in archeology. We can take the month of December off and then ease back into school with short days and abbreviated weeks as we recover from the holiday whirl. I can let my children read what they love, write creatively, and pursue their talents and interests. Conversely, in 2008 a 17-year-old girl, Melissa Busekros, was forcibly removed from her parents and placed in the child psychiatry unit of a Nuremberg, Germany clinic. "Homeschooling was first banned under Adolf Hitler, and that ban is still enforced today," says the homeschool legal defense association (John-Henry Westen). And that is just one case among many of a parent’s choice to homeschool being met with government interference in or outright severing of families.

We are a non-vax’ing American family. I, like the majority of young mothers, trusted my children’s pediatrician and suffered through injection after injection and ‘mild’ reaction after ‘mild’ reaction to vaccinations, believing I was doing what was best for my children’s health and well-being. Then came the terrifying seizures when my #5 was six months old. And then came the brick wall. None of the doctors at the hospital, including our pediatrician, would even consider the multiple vaccinations my baby had received a couple of days before as a cause of the seizures. They put that poor baby through test after test after test, and even when no other explanation could be found, they still wouldn’t look at the vaccinations as a possibility and just listed the seizures as “of unknown cause.” That experience taught me to be wary of the medical establishment and set off a massive vaccination research project in my life that resulted in two words: Never again. And I am so very thankful to live in a nation where I have that right, that freedom to make informed choices for my family! Conversely, in 2009 seven year old Domenic Johansson was snatched from his parents’ custody by officials of Gotland, Sweden. They were accused of not vaccinating him and of homeschooling him. No other accusations or charges were brought against them, but to this day he has not been returned to their custody. Once every five weeks they are permitted a one hour, supervised visit. Unbelievable, and so heartbreaking!

Cracie

We are a church planting American family. Through the years our family has been involved in planting several new churches from helping to grow one or two year old churches, to being a part of core groups starting a new church, to actively hosting a brand new church in our own home. In the United States, this is our right, and we have the freedom to exercise it without fear of reprisal or government intervention. Conversely, Iranian pastor, husband, and father Youcef Nadarkhani has been in prison in Iran since October 2009, sentenced to die for his Christian activities. The appeal of his death sentence was rejected by the Iranian Supreme Court in June of this year. He is to be executed by hanging (Voice of the Martyrs). Stories of religious persecution and the restriction of religious freedoms can be found from every corner of the globe, and the stories are chilling.

We are an American family.  Our nation is by no means perfect and our freedoms are by no means free, but here in the United States our Constitution stands resolutely proclaiming, and overseas our troops stand tirelessly protecting, our precious freedom. We thank God for our country and our military. God bless our troops, and God bless the U.S.A.!

Little Hearts Books can be found on Facebook and Twitter @LRKnost

L.R.Knost, Christian author and homeschooling mother of six, is the founder of the nonprofit, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources, which offers Gentle Parenting workshops, speakers, and consultations in the Central Florida area as well as online Gentle Parenting resources. Her Wisdom For Little Hearts children’s book series weaves Gentle Parenting techniques into colorful, engaging stories for little ones ages 2-6. The first book in the series, Petey’s Listening Ears, was released from Lifeway in April 2011, and Addie’s Inside Voice, JoJo’s Gentle Hands, and Zoey the Happy Helper are due out soon with more to follow! For more information on Gentle Parenting or to order Little Hearts books or products, please visit http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/ or Amazon at http://t.co/dIpvluC.

Her current book, Petey's Listening Ears is available on Amazon.com



http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/

 Watch my blog in the coming weeks for a review/giveaway of the next book in the Little Hearts series, Addie's Inside Voice.



If this is the first you have heard about the Parenting in America blog carnival it is not too late, check out the announcement blog First Ever Blog Carnival: Parenting In America 7/3-7/10 for details on how to participate if you are interested.  If you would like to guest post on my blog please email your submission to reedfamily55 at gmail dot com.  I am still in need of guest posts to host Wed-Sun of this coming week.

Guest Blog: Parenting in America from Hybrid Rasta Mama

Well, today officially kicks off my Blog Carnival: Parenting in America and I am pretty sure I will be banned from ever having another one haha.  I meant to write a post yesterday to post up here today but between kids, house, laundry, unexpected b-day party, church and life I didn't finish mine.

THANK GOODNESS Hybrid Rasta Mama ROCKS and wrote 3 posts.  She graciously agreed to let me put up 1 of them on my blog today to kick things off.

If you plan on participating on your own blog please make sure you message me with the link so I can post a link on here each day with a short intro into your blog.  Each morning I will be posting 1 piece on here and links to the other posts for that day.  If you post yours later in the day I will include it on the next days list so no worries there.

Without further ado, here is Hybrid Rasta Mama's excellent post.......

Parenting in America

I wrote this post as part of the Parenting In America Carnival hosted by Adventures in Mommyhood: Mommy Outnumbered. The Carnival is running from July 3-10, 2011. This is post number one in a series of three.

Parenting in America is a hot mess (and I would love nothing more than to see that change). Maybe not everyone sees it the same way I do but honestly, there is a lot to be desired in the way we now parent our children. I don’t know when the shift took place or what went wrong specifically, but today’s parents seem to really struggle to be parents. I will admit that the United States is a hot mess in general but shouldn’t that spur parents to do an ever better job at parenting so that we can send our sons and daughters out into this world as adults who can make the changes this country of ours needs?

Personally, I worry about the future. A lot. Why? Well…

I am going to make a BIG generalization here. I believe that most parents have been brainwashed into thinking that they do not know how to parent by money hungry “experts” who are looking to get rich quick off of their “parenting book/t.v. show that will solve all of your parenting problems in one day.” These experts have us stuck in our heads. They have torn us away from parenting with our hearts. They have encouraged us to forget about what is best for our children from a developmental standpoint and instead have forced us into a mindset where children should become little robots who do and say all of the right things because society expects and demands it. These experts have us believing that we need to create “good” children. I have a HUGE issue with this.

Children, by their very nature, ARE GOOD. Children are not born evil. They do not understand evil nor do they understand good. They learn that over time.

Children live in the moment. They exist. They take in their surroundings, they explore, they LIVE. But then, WE step in. WE discourage childhood. WE discourage innocence. WE discourage children being children. WE WANT society to praise us for having “good” children. WE do not want to be embarrassed by “bad” behavior. Therefore, WE employ parenting techniques that alienate us from our children. Each time we step away from a gentle, peaceful, natural parenting approach, we are altering the bond of trust, respect, and love that we had with our child the moment he or she was born. Every time we spank, every time we send a child to time-out,  every time we yell, every time we threaten, every time we expect more than a child is capable of and punish them for not meeting an impossible expectation, every time we squash natural curiosity, every time we hinder appropriate development, every time we fail to provide clear and consistent boundaries, every time we fail our children by not providing an environment safe for them to live and play in, WE,THE  PARENTS, are contributing to the hot mess that is Parenting in America.

It is time for a change. I am proud to be part of that change. I have found a community of like-minded mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts and uncles who understand that mainstream parenting is failing our children. Together, we are employing parenting practices and creating parenting philosophies to respect each individual child’s needs and combine that with supportive, loving, positive, and gentle parenting. We are connected to our children. We are in tune as a family. We are shunning ineffective parenting techniques that are continually shoved down our throats. We seek to educate and inspire other parents who are open to becoming the kind of parent their child needs them to be. And we are not condemning those parents who still have a ways to go on their journey.

Ideologies do not change overnight. But they CAN and DO change.  We just have to come together as parents and get back to the basics. So today, I encourage you to parent with heart, to parent from the place that your child needs you to parent from. Only you know where that place is. Dig deep (if you haven’t already) to find it.

One love,

Jennifer

Hybrid Rasta Mama blogs at http://www.hybridrastamama.blogspot.com/  She calls herself the Hybrid Rasta Mama because, in her words she sees herself "...as a hybrid mama.  I take a little of this and a little of that and blend it all together into something that works for me, Tiny and my husband."  Click here to read more about who Hybrid Rastsa Mama is.
Make sure to check out her blog and her FB, give her a like, you won't be sorry/

Are you participating this week?  It's not too late, check out my announcement blog First Ever Blog Carnival: Parenting In America 7/3-7/10 for information on how you can participate.  You don't need a blog, you can write a peice for me to post on here 1 of the days.